Soy Un Perdedor

This song captures my blue days.

I don't know why I'm blue.

My life is finally going on track but I keep repeating these words.

Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?

Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?

Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?

But I really don't wanna die.

I've just seen a face and I have fallen.

And I want to see Scott Pilgrim Vs The World.

I must admit, being a geek has it's up sides.

I however enjoy the runner's high and the feel of a good work out.

These song comes to mind and makes me feel better.

Well, someone tell me, when is it my turn?
Don't I get a dream for myself?
Starting now it's gonna be my turn.
Gangway, world, get off of my runway!
Starting now I bat a thousand!
This time, boys, I'm taking the bows and
Everything's coming up Rose!
Everything's coming up roses!

Be happy and let live.

Gosh, I have a job come next week.

My first job ever.

:D

Everything is coming up Roses.

Good Night World!

He broke my heart and I broke his everything. JK. Just his X-Box. :p

My everything hurts.

Working out is a bitch but my abs are so happy.

Just stopped my sit up, push up routine to blog.

Not sure why I do this.

Maybe it's a sort of hope for acceptance.

I have always taken pride in my appearance.

And Cell Block Tango just came on.

Time to dance.

Be right Back.

Back.

Regardless, I do it.

All this work and what did it get me.

A flat stomach. :D

Night world.

My back hurts.

Summer's here and I'm doing everything I said I'd be doing except learning how to dance and drive. Oddly enough, I am not satisfied in the tiniest bit.

I think it's worse cause someone sent me a message asking me what I was up to on a Sunday night. I would get it if today was Friday or Saturday or any other day but can't a girl get some rest or something. Be working my social life like a slave.

Just kidding.

Because as we know, I have no social life.

But I am oddly coming to terms with it. I might not have the all so exclusive, elusive, glamorous social life I had dreamed of but there are moments when I am content.

For instance, I was at the post office. Just came out, about to head downtown for no reason what so ever. And this guy calls me over to his car and asks me to help him get his mail cause he couldn't get into his walker. He had a wheelchair in the back. Now, of course, my paranoia from Fringe almost took over me but I did it just for the heck of it, all the while hoping there wasn't a bomb in his deposit box. A man has never been more thankful than that old man right there.

When events like that occur, I rethink my life and feel content.

All I know is, I gotta get to that gym tomorrow and then hit the grocery store.

Funny how I started out unsatisfied. And now, I feel at peace.

Can't wait to start work.

Clueless.

[PS. Signing up for belly dancing classes. Won't this be funny?]

Summer Days

So weird that it's summer again.

Even weirder that I live next to these weird chaps.

Weird that Anh has me hooked on Chinese food.

Strange that ratio at the School Of Mines got worse.

Stranger that I have to fix up a bike for my summer use.

Maddening that I am obsessed with abs and obliques.

But it does look promising.

Here's to the 3 Fs.

No long thing.

Don Really Fucked Up

There are times when you know you've fucked up and times when you really don fucked up. I was talking to Logan last night and we were having a pick-up lines competition. (Sound familiar?) So, I went through my archives for stuff I had used on Tony. Let's just say. I really don fucked up.

No, I have no interest in dating him or anyone for that matter but ... how did I turn something like that into hate. I must be a monster which would explain why both exes don't talk to me. I am becoming a new/ better person day by day. And I'm learning to be my age and act mature. Here's to life and all it entails. And now ... To The GYM!

Niyi, I'm sorry and kinda want to be friends.

On the girl's bathroom door?

Thanks Mines for forgetting that girls actually exist.

I didn't know I had semen in me. Hmmm. These breasts are for fancy!

WIN!

OMG; I'm on a Pro Ana site.

Okay. WEIRD!

All I wanted to do was find a site that had a picture of Federline Jones; a character from the retarded incest cousin of Family Guy, The Cleveland Show. (I wanted to show the pic to Skyler so he'd understand what I refer to anytime I see Jamie Motherfucking Dale.) Then I saw a site about Hayden Panettierre's new hips, which I do not think are fab on her. Yes, I am not hot but I don't wear a bikini for a reason.

I tried looking up a site to find out, if she had gotten depressed like K-Fed. Not gonna lie, I used to be her fan until I heard her sing. Yeah ... she should ... Yeah. And next thing I know, I'm on a Pro Ana site. They even have Starving Tip Of The Day!

I think Dakota Fanning is looking fab in this picture =>

But apparently, they think she needs to lose more weight.

I am fascinated to find that there are girls who consider themselves so un-beautiful (note I didn't say ugly) that they decide to strive to fade out of existence. I will confess that there have been times where I have been slightly anorexic and tried to avoid eating but I have come to see myself for the person I can be.

I am not there but I am still myself and a full rounded beauty. I do not understand why Americans push the idea of perfection so much when they have such obese people here. Um, hello, LEARN TO BE HEALTHY! Then again, to each his own definition of beauty.

To Life and Health and Beauty.

Shugo Chara

I was reading this Manga called Shugo Chara. It got me to think of my would-be self. I want to be more glamorous and lovable and friendly. However, I do like myself and my outer character. But it would be nice to have friends to depend on when things go wrong. Lisa is kinda like my Nagihiko. She is there when I need here and amusing the rest of the time. It kills me that I can't solve all her problems and make them go away. Sometimes, she is a Yaya but she always keeps living her life. I am not an Amu-Chan. I am not the main character of this story but I feel as though, if I try, I can be that person I want to be.

Brian won't talk to me and I can't blame him. He's kinda like the Prince character in Shugo Chara. Good as a love interest but not eternal. My Ikuto is waiting for me somewhere and I may never find him but I will enjoy the journey. I just wish I could have a happy ending. But I am lucky. My ending is not going to mediocre regardless of the angle that it takes.

I feel horrid for snapping at Anh but I like my solitude and she needs to understand that when I keep quiet, I do it for a reason. Being friends doesn't mean knowing each other's history. I should go to Ramith's get together. I should be fun and I will forget about my lack of a social life but at the same time, I will remember that I'm alone.

"I own not a notion. I escape an ape content. I don't own emotion- I rent."

I love Rent and Glee.

I normally cry when I'm alone. But I refuse to be the ugly person I see when I do that. I promise to strive to find and follow my Heart's Egg and discover my Alice. That, and I should stay away from the Sex God and dating.

Akonfused Gal.

Don't Rain On My Parade!

I am a horrible person to be in a relationship with. I get clingy, I get moody, I complain a lot and ... I am just an extremist. And every time I talk to Brian, I feel the urge to put him out of his misery and set him free. He got me jewelry for Christmas; why he did that, I have no fucking clue. However, I saw it and my heart broke. I want to be balls deep in love and forget about the whole inevitable "break-up" looming over my head. I want to listen to him and laugh at his jokes and tell him my hopes and dreams. I want to listen for the shaking of his voice, hold him when he is overwhelmed and be more than sexual release. But who am I kidding, once I do that, I might as well kiss him goodbye and help him pick a new girlfriend.
He's going to be drunk with his friends tonight and I don't even mind. I'm silly.

And even though the end of this break brings my boyfriend back to me and brings back most of my friends and a means to keep busy; I wish it didn't have to end. I'm going to miss spending so much time with Lisa.

A part of me wants to be that wholesome girl while another part of me wants to be a Maneater; tearing up the scene, spinning heads and crushing hearts. Oh well, I will just have to face this new year as is.

So much for my Ugly Duckling/ Swan transformation.

Akonfused Gal

How do I breathe?

Would it kill him to say that he loves me? I mean, he has to, right? He already said it twice. I think it's the whole PMS thing but it really ... I just hate that it takes so much for him to tell me how he feels.

I be Mumu, you are Gullible; na so we go make mugu!

Shorty don enter igbese! As in, who begged me O! My sister invited me to lovely SA for Christmas but me with my big mouth, I said no. Everyone is now jamming their homes and I am stuck in school. I mean, it could be worse. I could be stuck in PH. Heaven forbid I go through that! That NEPA governed dulling center. We all know, once you are used to 24/7 power, Naija is iffy to you too. I no go lie; I miss my mother's food. I just miss correct eba and soup. I won't even form. I will just use my hands and then lick the bowl! It's my own fault O! I should have hustled to jam Georgia; but Spring Break still dey! Unless Temi, Lisa and I jam Las Vegas!

But that's not the only shiznit. Girls, you know that whenever you let a boy go drinking with his friends without you, fear dey always catch you. Especially when you already planned for a night with just both of you. Some fake attempt at romance. But no be that part wey dey vex person. I am kinda scared about the faithfulness thing or that he will meet his Ms Right. Not that I don't want him to meet her but can they chill with the eternal romance. I'm his Ms Right Now. I no dey props myself. I know sey I wo-wo but abeg jo, he's the mugu that wanted a relationship. Nobody force am, abi na lie wey I dey yan? I guess I am a bit insecure but I blame it on the stupidity of men. It's like, I want to believe that they would be faithful but when you have gotten guys to question their current relationships, you know that anything fit happen. Plus, sex is a hell of a drug. Nuff Said.

And now, when I look back on the year, I wonder if this is what I saw. Me alone at Christmas and still hating half the world? I'm less screwed up. I've gained love, rejected love, overdone love, lost love and discovered my insanity. All together, I'd say it was a good year.

I find it weird that as I wrote that paragraph, I though of "Maybe This Time" from Cabaret and Glee. Freaky.

No long ting!

Akonfused Gal.

KY, the new person I like.

So, somehow I am dating someone once more. It gets better. I am dating my ex's roommate. I know ... the same thoughts went through my head. "They are bloody roommates." But when push comes to shove, I like being with him and although at first I was quite hesitant, I've come to terms with him (I still hate holding hands. It gets so awkward). I am trying to not repeat any of my past relationship mistakes. I am not gonna be clingy and I am going to have a life besides my relationship but if Anh tells me one more time how Tony said our relationship failed, I will kill her. I do know why, stop beating a dead horse and using that superior tone. I love that kid but she kills me sometimes.

So, I have no idea what day when we started dating or sappy stuff like that. I hope he remembers. I have no idea how long this will last but I am cool with that. Oh, and I enjoy the randomness of friendships that now surround me. I enjoy having friends that I still can not bring to hang with.

But I am learning.

I am happy.

No long ting.

Akonfused Kokolette.

In the End, She Dies.

I am tired.

Of everything.

A glass of vodka can't solve this; a night of passion has no appeal.

I just want out, is that really so bad?

Is it wrong to admit that you are wrong and that all your dreams were exactly that, dreams?

Is it wrong to enter quit on that controller?

Is it wrong to admit your mistakes and just watch them laugh?

Is it wrong to accept defeat, to crash and burn?

Come take me, Minneapolis.

I have played their games and have lost.

Show me diversity and promiscuity and all I have run from.

Come offer me a way out, far far away.

Bright lights, new faces, challenges.

Make my heart skip and my voice catch, my knees weak.

And when I scream professions of my love, echo it back to me.

That is more than I am used to.

Turn my heart to ice, my voice to butter and curves sultry.

Make me the surprise you are.

Make me sophisticated but haunted.

May I taunt the world as she did; seduce her, steal her innocence and then laugh.

Let her tears pour like rain on the unsuspecting as they are just as guilty.

Make her as bitter as I am, why should she be happy?

Neither should they escape nor exempt.

Sodom and Gomorrah was shown mercy.

Give them as they deserve, nothing more nor less.

Give me peace.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do.

I don't know about you but I've sworn off love so many times only to find someone who persuades me to do otherwise. Once my heart is broken; I remember why I don't believe in love. Love is eternal and forever. Love does not fade. Love is not lust and so far I've only been in lust.

My last breakup almost made me go mental but not because I was heartbroken. It was because some one finally beat at my game. I always manage to drive guys to want to break up with me and it always leaves me feeling empowered. But this guy won. I was just too blinded by my own libido to realize that he was playing my game. But now; I have come to terms with it. I just got to step my game up.

I really don't believe in love. I think people just grow on you and you try to lock them down through relationships. Or better yet; you have adrenaline flowing and you mistake that for your heart telling you to fall for someone.

I mean; I've dated people I didn't want to because I felt they would have undying loyalty to me because I could better their lives or gain from them. And it just feels like I'm finally beat.

I miss being in love but when I think about it; have I really been in love? I mean; with Tega, he was something I couldn't get, so I was more pleased to possess him than actually in love with him. Niyi, lets just say, the boy has some skill. Seni was another case; I just loved that boy. He was everything I wanted in a guy and of course, we are just best friends.

But now; I am about to lose a friend that ... let's just say, I'm not ready to lose. But I'm not going to make the same mistake and try to use a relationship to hold him down. I'm just going to let nature take it's course. For once.

What's a Crush to do?

Akonfused Gal.

Upscale restaurants

Ever been to one of those restaurants where you are scared to go in because you feel like only sophisticated, posh people, very unlike yourself, are allowed in; and when you do go in, after working up the nerve and liver, you find out that people actually brought their kids to that joint?

Say no more because I am with you on that experience. I go to this restaurant today with the intention of only getting the soup because I felt like that was all I could afford. I sit down at the bar, eyeing the vodka, not because I feel like getting buzzed and having a good time but because the damn kids were being loud and annoying the crap out of me. To add salt to my fresh wounds, the mother is sipping on some mixed drink (Most likely a martini). I was so pissed, I was tempted to go take her drink away from her but ... just had to act composed.

After the kids' incident, I tried to relax and enjoy my soup before my main course, and then these people who appeared to be on a group date caught my eye. The guys looked like twins, the girls ... I never saw their faces. But it was interesting for me because two people were dominating the conversation. The dominant twin and the queen bee of friends. I'll explain those phrases, the dominant twin is code for that friend or relative or sibling you always wind up hanging out with that will always be everything you wished for and gets all the things you wish for, including the girl. The queen bee is not a real queen bee, she is rejected from most of the popular group but is considered hot by some dudes that you seem to end up falling for. She has no real power over anyone else but appears to have singled you out as her friend and expects you to be grateful for that. She treats you like crap and always tries to make herself seem like the better person for hanging out with you while you come out as her lackey. This was very interesting until the guys left the girls and came over to the bar.

I was rather disappointed because I was enjoying the show but my disappointment was short lived as the bar was soon crowded with men drinking their beer. I watched this and felt awkward. The one guy, the lesser twin, gets what appears to be a beer float which was ever so cute. I soon left but I must say, I really enjoyed the salmon and can't wait to be 21.

I hate being a teenager

Akonfused Gal

Castration

Wouldn't the world be a better place if men were castrated on whims or better yet, once they hit puberty?

So I have been angry for the past couple of days because my beau has taken it upon himself to beat all my high scores. This may mean nothing to you but to me, the time I have wasted in attaining that skill is sacred and precious to me and to have someone destroy my treasured trivialities is cruel and unforgivable. I, of course, did the most logical thing; I threatened cut off his balls.

At first I meant this as a joke but could the world really be worse off if men where denied the right to sow their seeds wherever they so pleased. Imagine a world with out teenage pregnancies and more children than one's means. Imagine a world without over population where resources are in surplus and tell me, is my dream really so bad?

I, as a teenage, have been confronted with temptation so many times and I am not ashamed to admit that the thoughts, or rather, fear of a well rounded belly has kept this temptation in check but if there was no fear of a pregnancy ... then ... I see a very promiscuous world about to arise but can it be worse than other problems we face?

As soon as puberty takes place, just store some sperm and have a vasectomy. I can reassure you that with the hormone injections, you'll feel just fine. Sure, you are going to encounter a little depression but isn't a better world worth it? Besides, we are already depressed as it is and if it should get worse, we can always cut ourselves while listening to Simple Plan wailing in the background singing, "I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare, I'm just a kid, I know that its not fair".

I can see it now, a world filled with depressed but few children. Eventually, parents will be able to choose the perfect child before implantation. We will have a perfect world with a side dish of depressed but it will be F-A-B Fabulous. Wouldn't it be?

I am so excited, however, the other option is always a condom or birth control or abstinence but hey, what do I know. After all, all I want to do is cut off my boyfriend's balls for beating my high score. :)

I'm all for Procreation

JK

Akonfused Gal

Laziness na disease

Okay, we all have to admit that summer can be pretty interesting but the most interesting things that happen are done in boredom.

Okay, like I always bitch about (Yes hon, it's all about me), Rapid City is a boring place. But I have been eyeballing my neighbours. Now, I know the 9th commandment or so is that "thou shalt not covet their neighbour's property". Well, this aint like that.

• #1, they are super cute
• #2, they are always partying
• #3, they skateboard
• #4, refer to #1
• #5, they live right next door.

In a moment of bravado, my roommates and I went to go introduce ourselves. O boy, I just dey shake but they were pretty cool dudes. So last night, Eytan and I went over. This was kinda fun and totally crazy. One of them, his name's Gary, looked high as fuck but I'm like "na the guy wahala, no one beg him make e smoke igbo". SO, we are like having fun and it's all cool. They tried to teach me how to skateboard and I acted like a totally dumb broad. I miss doing that. The conversation was pretty light and we are invited in for beer pong but I only drink the hard stuff and that is socially. Plus, I don't know these people, na so person go roofie me and I will just turn into a sad Naija movie character (Remember Genevieve movies?). But that was last night.

Tonight, we hung out with this dude called John who has like a mega crush on Eytan. It was sorta weird because he kept doing all those things girls do when they are crushing bad on a guy (You know, the always addressing questions to the guy and the soft voice and making plans for the future and trying to look resourceful and talking about things he likes. Shut up, you know that we all did this at one time or the other). But Eytan was pretty cool about it, Eytan's a pretty cool dude and for some reason, everyone wants in his pants (Guys and girls and even teachers [Yes, teachers are sexless]). Tomorrow, we hang out with John some more.

When we were at Mt. Rushmore, Eytan kept telling everyone to high-five him. One guy, who looks like the bastard child of Justin Timberlake and Tyler Paul, was so pissed. Another set of people were just looking. And this little girl, poor thing, I bet she thought he was a pedophile.He's a hilarious guy. We actually got lost and made tons of noise and cranked up the music. I swear, sometimes I sound like I'm on drugs. I want to go to the frat that John lives in and party with those guys but I wanna go with Tony because I rather he take advantage of me than some snotty bro. It was just fun, plus I was comfortable with how I looked.

The fourth of July has no influence on me. But there will be some pretty cool fireworks and whatever. My next blog will be about some weirdos I go to school with.

What What, In the Butt

Akonfused Gal

Sweet Home Chicago

Okay,

As we all know, I hate the Midwest and long to go to a big city.

I AM GOING TO CHICAGO!!!!!!!

Hopefully

See, there is a musical I absolutely love, Fiddler on the roof. All my fellow musical lovers can testify to that, right? It's set in a Jewish town about this Jew who is quite poor (That's how we know it's fictional, poor Jews don't exist :p) and how he tries to get by and get his daughters married and such. Point is, the main guy in it, Topol is going to be in it. And me and my friends being the musical lovers that we are, are going to see it. Chicago is so beautiful especially at night.

I was there a few weeks back. I walked around the city, I ate at this fabulous pizza place, I went to Navy Pier, I should have gone to the Sears building. But I had my camera or Lisa's camera and took tons of pictures. I love Illinois. I even met up with old friends and such. It was so much fun.

I went to the art gallery, which is a horrible place to go if you're single. As in, the amount of couples were too funny. Note to self, galleries are never good for the first date. As in, NO. There was one guy fooling himself that he was an artistic mind in front of the babe he paid for. As in, too funny. Poor guy, he aint getting lucky anytime soon. I did the whole "Ferris Beuler Day Off" thing except the Ferrari and the parade. (I missed the parade, it was the next day.)I mean, who doesn't want to get on a float and sing your heart out and get some black people automatically start doing the Thriller.

So, in my heart, I'm a true Chicago girl until I find the city of my dreams.

By the way gist, I can almost swear to God that I saw MF, Mrs Morakinyo Fashipe or whatever her name is at Navy Pier. If not, it was her twin sister. But the same hair and same long skirt look. OIS people that were running from MF, the woman is coming to teach at one of your colleges.Navy Pier was a fun experience. I wanna go back.

Sweet home, Chicago

Kiloshele,

Akonfused Gal

Kiloshele?

I love to write.

I will not deny that I'm kinda a drama queen.

But so?

Down to the main gist.

Oya, see me see qualms. For some strange fucked up reason, I wound up in SD. The fucking MidWest. That means; instead of clubs, we have bars; instead of parties we have rodeos; instead of emo we have country; instead of black people, we have Hispanics and Native Americans; you sha gets my flow. Infact, I'm the only Nigerian at my school. My first FML moment. But it's a nerd college and I have amazing friends and an amazing boyfriend, so I'm cool. Unfortunately, he is out of town, so I'm alone this summer, taking summer courses and doing some mischief.

Sha, today I had a Physics exam that I scanned (hyper-reading mode aka cramming) for. It was at 10am and at 9:50, I was still at home which is a 10 minute bike ride from school. (Another FML right there). See me hustling to jam the place in time. I'm on the highway biking, when I feel a lot of breeze on my chest and I'm wondering why. I look down and my shirt is halfway unbuttoned. (FML) I had to stop, button up and get to school. Sha, the test was okay and all. Biking back home, my shirt got unbuttoned all the way down as I biked by the football team. (FML) I sha buttoned up. It was a nice day, so I went for a bike ride only for me to get attacked by a pup. I almost had an accident. (FML). On my way back, this pup still attacked me. (FML)

But a text from my baby chased all the blues away.

Notice how many FMLs there are and it's just 12:14pm. Hmmm. Na Jazz O. (Aha, it's Don Jazzy again). I need to make up for the lack of sleep. Hope my boo calls me later. Wonder what a black girl can do in Rapid City.

Kiloshele,

Akonfused.