How do I breathe?

Would it kill him to say that he loves me? I mean, he has to, right? He already said it twice. I think it's the whole PMS thing but it really ... I just hate that it takes so much for him to tell me how he feels.

I be Mumu, you are Gullible; na so we go make mugu!

Shorty don enter igbese! As in, who begged me O! My sister invited me to lovely SA for Christmas but me with my big mouth, I said no. Everyone is now jamming their homes and I am stuck in school. I mean, it could be worse. I could be stuck in PH. Heaven forbid I go through that! That NEPA governed dulling center. We all know, once you are used to 24/7 power, Naija is iffy to you too. I no go lie; I miss my mother's food. I just miss correct eba and soup. I won't even form. I will just use my hands and then lick the bowl! It's my own fault O! I should have hustled to jam Georgia; but Spring Break still dey! Unless Temi, Lisa and I jam Las Vegas!

But that's not the only shiznit. Girls, you know that whenever you let a boy go drinking with his friends without you, fear dey always catch you. Especially when you already planned for a night with just both of you. Some fake attempt at romance. But no be that part wey dey vex person. I am kinda scared about the faithfulness thing or that he will meet his Ms Right. Not that I don't want him to meet her but can they chill with the eternal romance. I'm his Ms Right Now. I no dey props myself. I know sey I wo-wo but abeg jo, he's the mugu that wanted a relationship. Nobody force am, abi na lie wey I dey yan? I guess I am a bit insecure but I blame it on the stupidity of men. It's like, I want to believe that they would be faithful but when you have gotten guys to question their current relationships, you know that anything fit happen. Plus, sex is a hell of a drug. Nuff Said.

And now, when I look back on the year, I wonder if this is what I saw. Me alone at Christmas and still hating half the world? I'm less screwed up. I've gained love, rejected love, overdone love, lost love and discovered my insanity. All together, I'd say it was a good year.

I find it weird that as I wrote that paragraph, I though of "Maybe This Time" from Cabaret and Glee. Freaky.

No long ting!

Akonfused Gal.

KY, the new person I like.

So, somehow I am dating someone once more. It gets better. I am dating my ex's roommate. I know ... the same thoughts went through my head. "They are bloody roommates." But when push comes to shove, I like being with him and although at first I was quite hesitant, I've come to terms with him (I still hate holding hands. It gets so awkward). I am trying to not repeat any of my past relationship mistakes. I am not gonna be clingy and I am going to have a life besides my relationship but if Anh tells me one more time how Tony said our relationship failed, I will kill her. I do know why, stop beating a dead horse and using that superior tone. I love that kid but she kills me sometimes.

So, I have no idea what day when we started dating or sappy stuff like that. I hope he remembers. I have no idea how long this will last but I am cool with that. Oh, and I enjoy the randomness of friendships that now surround me. I enjoy having friends that I still can not bring to hang with.

But I am learning.

I am happy.

No long ting.

Akonfused Kokolette.

In the End, She Dies.

I am tired.

Of everything.

A glass of vodka can't solve this; a night of passion has no appeal.

I just want out, is that really so bad?

Is it wrong to admit that you are wrong and that all your dreams were exactly that, dreams?

Is it wrong to enter quit on that controller?

Is it wrong to admit your mistakes and just watch them laugh?

Is it wrong to accept defeat, to crash and burn?

Come take me, Minneapolis.

I have played their games and have lost.

Show me diversity and promiscuity and all I have run from.

Come offer me a way out, far far away.

Bright lights, new faces, challenges.

Make my heart skip and my voice catch, my knees weak.

And when I scream professions of my love, echo it back to me.

That is more than I am used to.

Turn my heart to ice, my voice to butter and curves sultry.

Make me the surprise you are.

Make me sophisticated but haunted.

May I taunt the world as she did; seduce her, steal her innocence and then laugh.

Let her tears pour like rain on the unsuspecting as they are just as guilty.

Make her as bitter as I am, why should she be happy?

Neither should they escape nor exempt.

Sodom and Gomorrah was shown mercy.

Give them as they deserve, nothing more nor less.

Give me peace.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do.

I don't know about you but I've sworn off love so many times only to find someone who persuades me to do otherwise. Once my heart is broken; I remember why I don't believe in love. Love is eternal and forever. Love does not fade. Love is not lust and so far I've only been in lust.

My last breakup almost made me go mental but not because I was heartbroken. It was because some one finally beat at my game. I always manage to drive guys to want to break up with me and it always leaves me feeling empowered. But this guy won. I was just too blinded by my own libido to realize that he was playing my game. But now; I have come to terms with it. I just got to step my game up.

I really don't believe in love. I think people just grow on you and you try to lock them down through relationships. Or better yet; you have adrenaline flowing and you mistake that for your heart telling you to fall for someone.

I mean; I've dated people I didn't want to because I felt they would have undying loyalty to me because I could better their lives or gain from them. And it just feels like I'm finally beat.

I miss being in love but when I think about it; have I really been in love? I mean; with Tega, he was something I couldn't get, so I was more pleased to possess him than actually in love with him. Niyi, lets just say, the boy has some skill. Seni was another case; I just loved that boy. He was everything I wanted in a guy and of course, we are just best friends.

But now; I am about to lose a friend that ... let's just say, I'm not ready to lose. But I'm not going to make the same mistake and try to use a relationship to hold him down. I'm just going to let nature take it's course. For once.

What's a Crush to do?

Akonfused Gal.

Upscale restaurants

Ever been to one of those restaurants where you are scared to go in because you feel like only sophisticated, posh people, very unlike yourself, are allowed in; and when you do go in, after working up the nerve and liver, you find out that people actually brought their kids to that joint?

Say no more because I am with you on that experience. I go to this restaurant today with the intention of only getting the soup because I felt like that was all I could afford. I sit down at the bar, eyeing the vodka, not because I feel like getting buzzed and having a good time but because the damn kids were being loud and annoying the crap out of me. To add salt to my fresh wounds, the mother is sipping on some mixed drink (Most likely a martini). I was so pissed, I was tempted to go take her drink away from her but ... just had to act composed.

After the kids' incident, I tried to relax and enjoy my soup before my main course, and then these people who appeared to be on a group date caught my eye. The guys looked like twins, the girls ... I never saw their faces. But it was interesting for me because two people were dominating the conversation. The dominant twin and the queen bee of friends. I'll explain those phrases, the dominant twin is code for that friend or relative or sibling you always wind up hanging out with that will always be everything you wished for and gets all the things you wish for, including the girl. The queen bee is not a real queen bee, she is rejected from most of the popular group but is considered hot by some dudes that you seem to end up falling for. She has no real power over anyone else but appears to have singled you out as her friend and expects you to be grateful for that. She treats you like crap and always tries to make herself seem like the better person for hanging out with you while you come out as her lackey. This was very interesting until the guys left the girls and came over to the bar.

I was rather disappointed because I was enjoying the show but my disappointment was short lived as the bar was soon crowded with men drinking their beer. I watched this and felt awkward. The one guy, the lesser twin, gets what appears to be a beer float which was ever so cute. I soon left but I must say, I really enjoyed the salmon and can't wait to be 21.

I hate being a teenager

Akonfused Gal

Castration

Wouldn't the world be a better place if men were castrated on whims or better yet, once they hit puberty?

So I have been angry for the past couple of days because my beau has taken it upon himself to beat all my high scores. This may mean nothing to you but to me, the time I have wasted in attaining that skill is sacred and precious to me and to have someone destroy my treasured trivialities is cruel and unforgivable. I, of course, did the most logical thing; I threatened cut off his balls.

At first I meant this as a joke but could the world really be worse off if men where denied the right to sow their seeds wherever they so pleased. Imagine a world with out teenage pregnancies and more children than one's means. Imagine a world without over population where resources are in surplus and tell me, is my dream really so bad?

I, as a teenage, have been confronted with temptation so many times and I am not ashamed to admit that the thoughts, or rather, fear of a well rounded belly has kept this temptation in check but if there was no fear of a pregnancy ... then ... I see a very promiscuous world about to arise but can it be worse than other problems we face?

As soon as puberty takes place, just store some sperm and have a vasectomy. I can reassure you that with the hormone injections, you'll feel just fine. Sure, you are going to encounter a little depression but isn't a better world worth it? Besides, we are already depressed as it is and if it should get worse, we can always cut ourselves while listening to Simple Plan wailing in the background singing, "I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare, I'm just a kid, I know that its not fair".

I can see it now, a world filled with depressed but few children. Eventually, parents will be able to choose the perfect child before implantation. We will have a perfect world with a side dish of depressed but it will be F-A-B Fabulous. Wouldn't it be?

I am so excited, however, the other option is always a condom or birth control or abstinence but hey, what do I know. After all, all I want to do is cut off my boyfriend's balls for beating my high score. :)

I'm all for Procreation

JK

Akonfused Gal