My back hurts.

Summer's here and I'm doing everything I said I'd be doing except learning how to dance and drive. Oddly enough, I am not satisfied in the tiniest bit.

I think it's worse cause someone sent me a message asking me what I was up to on a Sunday night. I would get it if today was Friday or Saturday or any other day but can't a girl get some rest or something. Be working my social life like a slave.

Just kidding.

Because as we know, I have no social life.

But I am oddly coming to terms with it. I might not have the all so exclusive, elusive, glamorous social life I had dreamed of but there are moments when I am content.

For instance, I was at the post office. Just came out, about to head downtown for no reason what so ever. And this guy calls me over to his car and asks me to help him get his mail cause he couldn't get into his walker. He had a wheelchair in the back. Now, of course, my paranoia from Fringe almost took over me but I did it just for the heck of it, all the while hoping there wasn't a bomb in his deposit box. A man has never been more thankful than that old man right there.

When events like that occur, I rethink my life and feel content.

All I know is, I gotta get to that gym tomorrow and then hit the grocery store.

Funny how I started out unsatisfied. And now, I feel at peace.

Can't wait to start work.

Clueless.

[PS. Signing up for belly dancing classes. Won't this be funny?]

Summer Days

So weird that it's summer again.

Even weirder that I live next to these weird chaps.

Weird that Anh has me hooked on Chinese food.

Strange that ratio at the School Of Mines got worse.

Stranger that I have to fix up a bike for my summer use.

Maddening that I am obsessed with abs and obliques.

But it does look promising.

Here's to the 3 Fs.

No long thing.

Don Really Fucked Up

There are times when you know you've fucked up and times when you really don fucked up. I was talking to Logan last night and we were having a pick-up lines competition. (Sound familiar?) So, I went through my archives for stuff I had used on Tony. Let's just say. I really don fucked up.

No, I have no interest in dating him or anyone for that matter but ... how did I turn something like that into hate. I must be a monster which would explain why both exes don't talk to me. I am becoming a new/ better person day by day. And I'm learning to be my age and act mature. Here's to life and all it entails. And now ... To The GYM!

Niyi, I'm sorry and kinda want to be friends.

On the girl's bathroom door?

Thanks Mines for forgetting that girls actually exist.

I didn't know I had semen in me. Hmmm. These breasts are for fancy!

WIN!

OMG; I'm on a Pro Ana site.

Okay. WEIRD!

All I wanted to do was find a site that had a picture of Federline Jones; a character from the retarded incest cousin of Family Guy, The Cleveland Show. (I wanted to show the pic to Skyler so he'd understand what I refer to anytime I see Jamie Motherfucking Dale.) Then I saw a site about Hayden Panettierre's new hips, which I do not think are fab on her. Yes, I am not hot but I don't wear a bikini for a reason.

I tried looking up a site to find out, if she had gotten depressed like K-Fed. Not gonna lie, I used to be her fan until I heard her sing. Yeah ... she should ... Yeah. And next thing I know, I'm on a Pro Ana site. They even have Starving Tip Of The Day!

I think Dakota Fanning is looking fab in this picture =>

But apparently, they think she needs to lose more weight.

I am fascinated to find that there are girls who consider themselves so un-beautiful (note I didn't say ugly) that they decide to strive to fade out of existence. I will confess that there have been times where I have been slightly anorexic and tried to avoid eating but I have come to see myself for the person I can be.

I am not there but I am still myself and a full rounded beauty. I do not understand why Americans push the idea of perfection so much when they have such obese people here. Um, hello, LEARN TO BE HEALTHY! Then again, to each his own definition of beauty.

To Life and Health and Beauty.

Shugo Chara

I was reading this Manga called Shugo Chara. It got me to think of my would-be self. I want to be more glamorous and lovable and friendly. However, I do like myself and my outer character. But it would be nice to have friends to depend on when things go wrong. Lisa is kinda like my Nagihiko. She is there when I need here and amusing the rest of the time. It kills me that I can't solve all her problems and make them go away. Sometimes, she is a Yaya but she always keeps living her life. I am not an Amu-Chan. I am not the main character of this story but I feel as though, if I try, I can be that person I want to be.

Brian won't talk to me and I can't blame him. He's kinda like the Prince character in Shugo Chara. Good as a love interest but not eternal. My Ikuto is waiting for me somewhere and I may never find him but I will enjoy the journey. I just wish I could have a happy ending. But I am lucky. My ending is not going to mediocre regardless of the angle that it takes.

I feel horrid for snapping at Anh but I like my solitude and she needs to understand that when I keep quiet, I do it for a reason. Being friends doesn't mean knowing each other's history. I should go to Ramith's get together. I should be fun and I will forget about my lack of a social life but at the same time, I will remember that I'm alone.

"I own not a notion. I escape an ape content. I don't own emotion- I rent."

I love Rent and Glee.

I normally cry when I'm alone. But I refuse to be the ugly person I see when I do that. I promise to strive to find and follow my Heart's Egg and discover my Alice. That, and I should stay away from the Sex God and dating.

Akonfused Gal.

Don't Rain On My Parade!

I am a horrible person to be in a relationship with. I get clingy, I get moody, I complain a lot and ... I am just an extremist. And every time I talk to Brian, I feel the urge to put him out of his misery and set him free. He got me jewelry for Christmas; why he did that, I have no fucking clue. However, I saw it and my heart broke. I want to be balls deep in love and forget about the whole inevitable "break-up" looming over my head. I want to listen to him and laugh at his jokes and tell him my hopes and dreams. I want to listen for the shaking of his voice, hold him when he is overwhelmed and be more than sexual release. But who am I kidding, once I do that, I might as well kiss him goodbye and help him pick a new girlfriend.
He's going to be drunk with his friends tonight and I don't even mind. I'm silly.

And even though the end of this break brings my boyfriend back to me and brings back most of my friends and a means to keep busy; I wish it didn't have to end. I'm going to miss spending so much time with Lisa.

A part of me wants to be that wholesome girl while another part of me wants to be a Maneater; tearing up the scene, spinning heads and crushing hearts. Oh well, I will just have to face this new year as is.

So much for my Ugly Duckling/ Swan transformation.

Akonfused Gal